Fear of a dirty home....

I fear having an unclean home. Maybe that's why I still haven't chosen a new place to settle into. While I agree with you that the fear of an unclean home is slightly unreasonable, I can fully attest to the deep place from which this comes. And no, I don't have a subconscious fear of success, as I feel I've had many successes throughout my life. So let me explain.

I'm not often home, so I leave things everywhere as I am rushing around town.  I do the same thing in my car, when I am rushing around and leaving a spread of items on the front and back seats as I trailblaze to my next appointment, class or workout. It is frequently uncomfortable when I come back to the state of things, and I end up having to make amends for stuff haphazardly tossed about. Therefore my house is not comfortable to relax in, and I end up finding other places to be, that would be more relaxing for that period In time!

Does anyone else go through this? I know I could not be alone!

Most decide to valiantly do something about it, and begin to diligently clean their abode in an effort to once again see the floor. Sometimes my desperate attempts only conclude in me resurfacing a counter with cooking items and utensils colliding in a kaleidoscope of food preparation or some other magnificent creation, but not one of utter cleanliness.

What have I made so vital about keeping everything clean? I clearly don't want it to be clean, and I see cleaning as work and now I have made myself wrong for it! Bad housekeeper! Bad girl! 

The happy ending to the story, is that I know how relaxed and light I feel as I am cleaning in the area. It is that meditative aspect that takes me through the changes needed to transform an area of my life. Knowing what rainbow of glory awaits me as the floor clears,is what tends to propel me forward into completion of the task.

Another added benefit is to be able to invite friends to share the space with me. Really, I am ready to have my own space again, on new terms.

Thoughts on maintaining Heritage.

Notions...

I'd like to start this off by first saying, that I would not like to do away with the heritage of my past. While I understand we are moving towards a one color or no color nation, I have to recognize that we do still have color. We do not have clear skin. We may be striving to be one people, but we are many people. Just as there are many different variations of food on our table at dinner, so is the variety in our race, creed, way of being, And I cannot ask that aspect to change.

 In fact, why would I ask you to change, since it is what makes us who we are. The bold, the beautiful, the different colors of our universe, would be treated for that of one nation, one color, one religion, one food, one way of life? Is this a place in which we really want to live? Or is this where we feel is the safest place to live? Do we think that all of our problems will be eradicated if we no longer refer to ourselves as black, white, Latino? Not really.

 Because with this planet, we will do nothing but recategorize ourselves into something that we can easily define, because we have done it before, and we will simply re-create that.… Especially without knowledge of our rich heritage. Our heritage is far too vast to be let go. In fact many do not even remember it, and we have been called into believing it is not important. None of this is true about our heritage. It is beautiful and profound. We need to find a reason for celebration.

 The only way we can do that is by educating people that we don't need to forget who we are. We just need to make sure that we don't use our heritage as a wound, but rather a badge of honor.

An All-Around Unexpected, but Delightful New Year 2014.

     From beginning to (almost) end, December 31 was hard. It simply wasn't a typical slow, sluggish winter day, but one filled with emotion, depth, writing intensity and wonder by its end. The night before exploded into an event I had not expected, and was brought on by one of the simplest and yet longstanding, energetic issues between my man and I. Having brought the tension to a head, it was beginning to look like the relationship was over. So my entire day was spent in an emotional tizzy, not typical for a woman of God, someone who believes in miracles and blessings and wondrous events occurring. I am usually the rock of everyone's life, and that's why they gravitate toward me. But sometimes I wanna fall apart in someone's lap and just cry.

    Well, having no one around to assist this, I texted with an awesome girlfriend of mine (or two) and allowed them to be there for me, unlike any other time. As the morning progressed into afternoon, I dragged my body filled with metaphysical representations of my unresolved emotional issues into the kitchen, and prepared a cup of coffee.

     But what happened next was unexpected, and took my day into a surprisingly productive flow. I did a little bit of breathing and prayed for healing as I do every day, but this prayer sent me into typing mode, and I proceeded to type with all my might. (As you can see, I still have writer energy to this moment, though this admittedly could be the coffee typing. It is its own entity.) I wrote to relieve the pressure of failure at getting a communication clearly delivered. However, what I ended up correcting is still good preparation for the next round of communications.

I found myself focusing heavily onto my business pages and setting up my site, posting interesting tidbits of information I thought would be of import to others. In fact, as I look at the page, I can see that I gave new life to it, while telling others of my work, that I have not yet told. And this is what inspired me to continue writing because I thought I would lay the foundation tonight for the new year. As much as can be put togther ahead of time in this new year, so shall it be in my life.

     So I'm typing and praying and I find some awesome meditations on line. It just seemed that every healing tool that was not available to me earlier was now powerful and highly accessible. I was hardwired into the change and I ran with it. I didn't eat nor did I exercise, it was that intense. By 4p, I decided to go for another shift, so I called my mentor and spiritual bodyworker, Reverend Emma, to help me push some energy through. What we found was powerfully shifting. That is a separate blog in itself.

     At first I thought I would see Michael tonight, as he had mentioned he would stop through. I gave it time though, and after a mild pause, had a thoroughly engaging conversation with a neighbor friend of mine who was going through a particular time and I played her mirror. Walking upstairs I found my roommate and I assisted her. Since I decided that staying home might not be the best for me tonight, I called Valerie. An hour later I was in a most surprising place: A church. Now, it's not the MOST surprising thing I could have said or done on New Years Eve, but it was the most sober choice, and the thing that stands out in my mind, is the fact that the man whom I love the most would have been so happy to be in the presence of this amazing Christian concert. Even though he was not there to share it with me, I felt as if it were a cross section of his existence that, in a more well rested state, would have been happy to indulge.

     When we have the opportunity to heal, and the messages ring clear all around that those who love you, love you well, we need to listen. As I shared with my friend Valerie, the gift of tonight and its messages, I also shared with Michael's spirit, a deeply ingrained part of him that lives like fire through his life. If anyone chooses to be with anyone, and makes the effort to try to understand them, then living in your partner's experience is far more veritable assurance that you truly are committed to this individual.

     This day was brought to you by the letters L-O-V-E and the sentiment that being in Love means that you are BEing inside yourself, you being an embodiment of God's Love (Or One Source/Universal Conscience, I see them as the same) and you are reflecting that Love with, on, in and through your partner.

2013: The Year of Secrets, Investigations, Discoveries, Answers

I have to say that I spent most of 2013 uncovering great mysteries. Not the mysteries of the universe, though that would have been time well spent. I spent this year uncovering mysteries in my local community, job site, gyms, my relationship, and uncovering some secrets inside myself.

     Then I found out that the year of the Horse in 2014 may be a year of work for a rat, though the idea of energy running freely throughout my life sounds grand. It's also the opening of many secrets and hidden objects from view of the passing snake year. From the beginning of the year, I had so many elements come into play, like the rite of passage year for me, as if I wanted to be an investigative detective.

     It all seemed to begin with my school placement. After being pulled out of a beautiful school, I was offered a spot at a middle school that became an exercise in coldness and uncovering wild truths about the nature of my teaching and of the campus, the school district and a number of my kids. People all year really thought they were getting away with something. But all uncover and dark things did finally come to the surface, and punitive consequences came of it.

     In my own relationships with both family and friends, I found out who was really there for me and who played a sideliner role. I am still the rock in most foundations in my life and sought out spiritual guidance as mentors who were successfully able to carry me through. I lost a few friendships and gained several new ones. I have a best friend who experienced much loss this year, and I got to see her grow and develop through the stress. She weathered it and we weathered it together. We are now working alongside each other with our business plans.

In my own romantic life I had to pull teeth it seemed in order to get a man to see himself more deeply, and to grow in love and intimacy with me. Together though bumpy, we survived through all the bumps and bruises. while I can say that this relationship has been the toughest I've had, it has also been the most revealing about the dirty truth of some of my darkest shadow side behaviors and thoughts. So basically I've been led out of the tunnel of my own transgressions and have gone to the underworld and back. What seedy and hurtful elements of my life that were negatively affecting my relationships are now gone, at least this layer, and I have been revived back into a state that expresses my highest self. Oh how I love my highest self, and how that self has allowed me to grow is still a wondrous thought.

     I delightfully entered the fall with a renewed sense of hope and turned 41. I started at an amazing new placement, Irving MS. The future has bright plans, lots of work, but wonderful to see unfold. I had also graduated from IIN where I went from being vegetarian to omnivorous. I had a wonderful fall with family and friends into an amazing Christmas for the first time in many years. I successfully begin a new chapter, acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses, and look upon the new year as a reward and a blessing, signaling that, now that I know the power of the dark side, all things in the dark must come to light...and 2014 promises to reveal.

Thoughts while Learning Blackjack

The dealer deals.

The cards are laid...and then the cards are played.

     You have to make a careful decision about how far you will go to get to the promised card. No amount of counting or wishful thinking will make time or probability stand still or change. The right play is the right play, for better or for worse.

     Blackjack is a thinking man's game. The more he thinks about his move in advance, the better the play may be. But once again, no matter how thought out, the chances of the right card coming up are still in play, on each play, and you are at the mercy of the statistics.

     Focusing on each hand dealt and concentrating on sequences is essential to the flow of the game. All players must be in alignment with each other, although each hand won't technically be affected as much as is usually thought. The cards in your hands are yours and you must play them as they are logically meant to be played. Period. Inexperienced or immature players will see the cards you play and pull, and they will think, "that guy has my card." But it won't be truth. Truth is, there are multiple decks and multiple high and low cards equally amongst those numbers. It's best to stay open and see that others' successes could be a huge, shining moment in the future of your plays, especially if everyone is winning at the table and is happy.

     Desperation is not allowed. Desperation draws down the energy of the table and keeps wins from seeming as awesome. It's important to have fun when you are placing the stakes on your cash flow. If it's not fun and you're gambling to make a car payment, then you've missed the point of this game.

     Repetition, timing and practice is important to the game. If you go to a table without proper education of the sport, you will feel like you are missing an integral part of the game and the reason is because you are.

     Pride goes before a fall. If you think you're smarter than everyone else at the table and you walk around with arrogant airs, you usually end up feeling like an ass by the end of it, as you will be losing all your money with the rest of the people at the table who thought they were smarter than you. Now if you are not smart enough to notice this, it is the very reason that hubris was discovered.

     And lastly everyone is playing the house. Everyone. No one is immune to house odds. Now knowing the house odds and learning how to work with them is like cooperating with the police department or government. They may pay you off for helping them, and treat you like a king in their witness protection program, but you won't walk out a millionaire, for that is just not to their advantage. Think, if Vegas made millionaires, would Vegas exist? Not for long. It depends on the odds...now let's think a little larger, say, governmentally....

     Rules are rules. Rules are also meant to be broken. To me, as I learned, watched and also played the game, I realized that the Blackjack table often replicates life. That was the most important element, singlehandedly, that made me think the experience was completely worthwhile.

Family Time.

Family time involves all immediate family members and those who act as family in my lives. The one reason I felt encouraged to post a reflection on this is not about how unusual this topic is, because it isn't. It is more of a fascination with how much time we give to other projects outside of our family.

I had always wondered how people had enough time to do it all, cook and clean and provide for the family while building a business, working a 9 to 5 and keeping fit, etc. I realize that most people give up one part or all of their life that involves them personally. I find that rather interesting, as I have chosen in my life up until this point to make my life about my education and career mostly. This choice has gotten me rather far. I just wonder if it also ended several other relationships for me.

It's not that I go so deep into my career that I can no longer see my family. It's that I give the attention, energy and time to projects that don't always deserve that time, or that I didn't properly organize my time and inadvertently gave away my power. In the end I've noticed that the most important people in my life suffer from this. This could mean that I am too tired to talk when I get home, dinner doesn't get taken care of, the house gets neglected or an important assignment or event gets overlooked.

It wasn't until recently, in the past few years, that I had really begun to make my family life truly important. My mom often complains of not seeing me enough, and being the "different" child, to no one's surprise. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being different. There is also nothing wrong with being the same. That being said, I thought about my desire to be in a healthy relationship. I chose just about the roughest scenario to be in. Well, maybe not the roughest, but definitely a bit difficult. Beautiful minds tend to be complicated to get inside. This comment resembles my relationship. My man requires a bit of attention and time. He really would love my undivided attention until his head hits the pillow. Other things just do not get done during the time we spend together. Then I choose to allow a scorpio child to be born. ...I thought his father and I were enough scorpio!

I simply realized that if I value family and relationships, then I will be there for them, not just in a functional way, but go out of my way to make family life work. There are definitely sacrifices to consider, including school and making extra money, that sometimes go by the wayside when choosing to make family number one, but then what otherwise is the meaning of life? So I've decided beyond the shadow of a doubt, that family comes first.Whether that means spending more money, more time, or more concentrated effort to not multitask, I'll do it.

Room with a Forest Lawn View.

If you look out the window of my classroom where I teach at Irving MS, you can see the wide range of hills swaddling the rough city, enclosing it with its greenery and expansive energy. You can also see the hillsides covered with tombstones, and in the distance, at the top of the hill, you'll find a church. Off to its left a bit is the great mausoleum, the burial site of Michael Jackson. Could it get any better than this? Yes. I decided on a whim to take my students to see it up close and personal.

Having a view of a mortuary makes a person think a lot about living life to the fullest. I originally wanted to take my kids there for Day of the Dead, in honor of our loved ones who had passed on. For any young person it is an important conversation to have about the life and death cycle. In science class we talk about the nitrogen cycle and how everything decomposes. Reminds me of what I was raised believing: ashes to ashes and dust to dust...and how death isn't the end of life, but the beginning of a new one.

The kids complained after the first two miles of walking....but once they were on the finishing stretch at the top of the hill overlooking the gorgeous vista into Glendale, I think they began to realize that the climb was worth it, if for no other reason, to be with friends on a beautiful day and have the health to be able to accomplish the task. The lady at the gateway said "woman you are crazy! Are you sure?" She asked me repeatedly. I told her yes, that I am in fact crazy. She asks me, "what, are you a fitness teacher or something?" I told her "yes, in fact I am." It was so much fun to see her expression.

On our way back down, the kids realized that they were about to have lunch for two hours and were just in the presence of MJ. Too bad we didn't get to go to his burial site. That is one reason I would return.

One of the reasons I wanted to be inside Forest Lawn was for the deep reflection it afforded me. Of course it was an unusual trip for the students to take, but the concept of being on the grounds, seeing people grieving over their loved ones, observing death and respecting life, was very important. Most of the students did not remember the last funeral they had gone to. This spoke strongly to their experience of life, living as if they would live forever. But no, they won't live forever, and they had a chance to reflect on this while enjoying the beating of their heart and filling their lungs with fresh air.

Meanwhile, as I took photos of the grounds, a certain super vibrant light shone through the trees and bounced off the church walls. To me, the lights were so bright, it could only have been influenced by the Angels. To me, it always is.