Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013: The Year of Secrets, Investigations, Discoveries, Answers

I have to say that I spent most of 2013 uncovering great mysteries. Not the mysteries of the universe, though that would have been time well spent. I spent this year uncovering mysteries in my local community, job site, gyms, my relationship, and uncovering some secrets inside myself.

     Then I found out that the year of the Horse in 2014 may be a year of work for a rat, though the idea of energy running freely throughout my life sounds grand. It's also the opening of many secrets and hidden objects from view of the passing snake year. From the beginning of the year, I had so many elements come into play, like the rite of passage year for me, as if I wanted to be an investigative detective.

     It all seemed to begin with my school placement. After being pulled out of a beautiful school, I was offered a spot at a middle school that became an exercise in coldness and uncovering wild truths about the nature of my teaching and of the campus, the school district and a number of my kids. People all year really thought they were getting away with something. But all uncover and dark things did finally come to the surface, and punitive consequences came of it.

     In my own relationships with both family and friends, I found out who was really there for me and who played a sideliner role. I am still the rock in most foundations in my life and sought out spiritual guidance as mentors who were successfully able to carry me through. I lost a few friendships and gained several new ones. I have a best friend who experienced much loss this year, and I got to see her grow and develop through the stress. She weathered it and we weathered it together. We are now working alongside each other with our business plans.

In my own romantic life I had to pull teeth it seemed in order to get a man to see himself more deeply, and to grow in love and intimacy with me. Together though bumpy, we survived through all the bumps and bruises. while I can say that this relationship has been the toughest I've had, it has also been the most revealing about the dirty truth of some of my darkest shadow side behaviors and thoughts. So basically I've been led out of the tunnel of my own transgressions and have gone to the underworld and back. What seedy and hurtful elements of my life that were negatively affecting my relationships are now gone, at least this layer, and I have been revived back into a state that expresses my highest self. Oh how I love my highest self, and how that self has allowed me to grow is still a wondrous thought.

     I delightfully entered the fall with a renewed sense of hope and turned 41. I started at an amazing new placement, Irving MS. The future has bright plans, lots of work, but wonderful to see unfold. I had also graduated from IIN where I went from being vegetarian to omnivorous. I had a wonderful fall with family and friends into an amazing Christmas for the first time in many years. I successfully begin a new chapter, acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses, and look upon the new year as a reward and a blessing, signaling that, now that I know the power of the dark side, all things in the dark must come to light...and 2014 promises to reveal.

Thoughts while Learning Blackjack

The dealer deals.

The cards are laid...and then the cards are played.

     You have to make a careful decision about how far you will go to get to the promised card. No amount of counting or wishful thinking will make time or probability stand still or change. The right play is the right play, for better or for worse.

     Blackjack is a thinking man's game. The more he thinks about his move in advance, the better the play may be. But once again, no matter how thought out, the chances of the right card coming up are still in play, on each play, and you are at the mercy of the statistics.

     Focusing on each hand dealt and concentrating on sequences is essential to the flow of the game. All players must be in alignment with each other, although each hand won't technically be affected as much as is usually thought. The cards in your hands are yours and you must play them as they are logically meant to be played. Period. Inexperienced or immature players will see the cards you play and pull, and they will think, "that guy has my card." But it won't be truth. Truth is, there are multiple decks and multiple high and low cards equally amongst those numbers. It's best to stay open and see that others' successes could be a huge, shining moment in the future of your plays, especially if everyone is winning at the table and is happy.

     Desperation is not allowed. Desperation draws down the energy of the table and keeps wins from seeming as awesome. It's important to have fun when you are placing the stakes on your cash flow. If it's not fun and you're gambling to make a car payment, then you've missed the point of this game.

     Repetition, timing and practice is important to the game. If you go to a table without proper education of the sport, you will feel like you are missing an integral part of the game and the reason is because you are.

     Pride goes before a fall. If you think you're smarter than everyone else at the table and you walk around with arrogant airs, you usually end up feeling like an ass by the end of it, as you will be losing all your money with the rest of the people at the table who thought they were smarter than you. Now if you are not smart enough to notice this, it is the very reason that hubris was discovered.

     And lastly everyone is playing the house. Everyone. No one is immune to house odds. Now knowing the house odds and learning how to work with them is like cooperating with the police department or government. They may pay you off for helping them, and treat you like a king in their witness protection program, but you won't walk out a millionaire, for that is just not to their advantage. Think, if Vegas made millionaires, would Vegas exist? Not for long. It depends on the odds...now let's think a little larger, say, governmentally....

     Rules are rules. Rules are also meant to be broken. To me, as I learned, watched and also played the game, I realized that the Blackjack table often replicates life. That was the most important element, singlehandedly, that made me think the experience was completely worthwhile.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Family Time.

Family time involves all immediate family members and those who act as family in my lives. The one reason I felt encouraged to post a reflection on this is not about how unusual this topic is, because it isn't. It is more of a fascination with how much time we give to other projects outside of our family.

I had always wondered how people had enough time to do it all, cook and clean and provide for the family while building a business, working a 9 to 5 and keeping fit, etc. I realize that most people give up one part or all of their life that involves them personally. I find that rather interesting, as I have chosen in my life up until this point to make my life about my education and career mostly. This choice has gotten me rather far. I just wonder if it also ended several other relationships for me.

It's not that I go so deep into my career that I can no longer see my family. It's that I give the attention, energy and time to projects that don't always deserve that time, or that I didn't properly organize my time and inadvertently gave away my power. In the end I've noticed that the most important people in my life suffer from this. This could mean that I am too tired to talk when I get home, dinner doesn't get taken care of, the house gets neglected or an important assignment or event gets overlooked.

It wasn't until recently, in the past few years, that I had really begun to make my family life truly important. My mom often complains of not seeing me enough, and being the "different" child, to no one's surprise. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being different. There is also nothing wrong with being the same. That being said, I thought about my desire to be in a healthy relationship. I chose just about the roughest scenario to be in. Well, maybe not the roughest, but definitely a bit difficult. Beautiful minds tend to be complicated to get inside. This comment resembles my relationship. My man requires a bit of attention and time. He really would love my undivided attention until his head hits the pillow. Other things just do not get done during the time we spend together. Then I choose to allow a scorpio child to be born. ...I thought his father and I were enough scorpio!

I simply realized that if I value family and relationships, then I will be there for them, not just in a functional way, but go out of my way to make family life work. There are definitely sacrifices to consider, including school and making extra money, that sometimes go by the wayside when choosing to make family number one, but then what otherwise is the meaning of life? So I've decided beyond the shadow of a doubt, that family comes first.Whether that means spending more money, more time, or more concentrated effort to not multitask, I'll do it.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Room with a Forest Lawn View.

If you look out the window of my classroom where I teach at Irving MS, you can see the wide range of hills swaddling the rough city, enclosing it with its greenery and expansive energy. You can also see the hillsides covered with tombstones, and in the distance, at the top of the hill, you'll find a church. Off to its left a bit is the great mausoleum, the burial site of Michael Jackson. Could it get any better than this? Yes. I decided on a whim to take my students to see it up close and personal.

Having a view of a mortuary makes a person think a lot about living life to the fullest. I originally wanted to take my kids there for Day of the Dead, in honor of our loved ones who had passed on. For any young person it is an important conversation to have about the life and death cycle. In science class we talk about the nitrogen cycle and how everything decomposes. Reminds me of what I was raised believing: ashes to ashes and dust to dust...and how death isn't the end of life, but the beginning of a new one.

The kids complained after the first two miles of walking....but once they were on the finishing stretch at the top of the hill overlooking the gorgeous vista into Glendale, I think they began to realize that the climb was worth it, if for no other reason, to be with friends on a beautiful day and have the health to be able to accomplish the task. The lady at the gateway said "woman you are crazy! Are you sure?" She asked me repeatedly. I told her yes, that I am in fact crazy. She asks me, "what, are you a fitness teacher or something?" I told her "yes, in fact I am." It was so much fun to see her expression.

On our way back down, the kids realized that they were about to have lunch for two hours and were just in the presence of MJ. Too bad we didn't get to go to his burial site. That is one reason I would return.

One of the reasons I wanted to be inside Forest Lawn was for the deep reflection it afforded me. Of course it was an unusual trip for the students to take, but the concept of being on the grounds, seeing people grieving over their loved ones, observing death and respecting life, was very important. Most of the students did not remember the last funeral they had gone to. This spoke strongly to their experience of life, living as if they would live forever. But no, they won't live forever, and they had a chance to reflect on this while enjoying the beating of their heart and filling their lungs with fresh air.

Meanwhile, as I took photos of the grounds, a certain super vibrant light shone through the trees and bounced off the church walls. To me, the lights were so bright, it could only have been influenced by the Angels. To me, it always is.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Punching The Air.

I have to say that there are quite a few angry people with commentary about society, but very few who put enough educated thought into their responses. I would think that an educated response would manifest into some form of interaction that didn't end in some emotional tirade about how I should be thinking the way they are, otherwise I'm unintelligent....???

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ofttimes empty world of FaceBook.

Sometimes FB can consist of some pretty crazy ideas and opinions that are supported by an interesting group of people who don't often support each other..but they will "rise up against the enemy." Now, I don't normally associate myself with people like this, but it seems that the challenge sometimes presents itself to me and I have to ask what in me has attracted this situation, because my conscious mind definitely does not feel like this is a necessary interaction or lesson to take on.

So I end up figuring that it's just another person and situation that needs a bit of prayer and positive energy thrown at it. After all, how else can an angry person who's punching the air, know that they actually have supporters when they are wildly flailing their arms? Doesn't someone have to wait by the sidelines until they can calm down enough to notice the hand you've extended?...that, or let them stop and notice that no one waited. Would that help them, or only serve to reemphasize that no one really cares? It's a tough line to tow.

Then there's the person that, no matter what you say, can't hear you. They have an internal tape playing and it won't stop or slow down to allow any additional information to come in. They've decided to nail you and label you "the enemy." This becomes a labor of love to wait for someone to snap out of their own veil of illusion and see that internal forces are working against them, as opposed to anything external, i.e., me.

Some people treat different perspectives as a crime, a blindness, an emotional and manipulative ploy, a "leftist agenda," or "the enemy," when presented. But truly a perspective is a perspective, not a way to try to manipulate the masses into some form of coercion. It's the invitation to a conversation with a varying degree of levels and thoughts, not some military stratagem targeted at some group to bring them down.

The social constructs we create shackle us. If we were to notice the disparagement we build in our society when we hold ourselves so fast to the same staid concepts and ideas that we feel most comfortable with, we fail. It's not to say that the progressive way of living is a tried and true winning situation, but we at least need to listen to all sides and see if there is a chance to find a way to improve on a human right. We all deserve to feel safe. That's all.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I am woman, hear me whine...

Yeah, so I woke up one day in the recent past to the biting discovery that I am a woman, and this means that I have to look like one. Now I don't mind looking like a woman, granted. In fact I love looking like a woman! It's the work and money that it takes, to look like a woman.

Sure, most women know this. I may in fact be one of the few who does not accept this about us, the idea of so much going into our look. But as long as we are in planet earth school, someone is going to care about how we present ourselves, especially other women.

Now at first I was going to say that men care most about how women present themselves, but I remember the days when I used to be able to wear a burlap sack and I would still get a man's attention. I'm sure it would still work. It's just that now I would add a little lipstick and wash my hair. Men do give great compliments to a woman who wears it well. It may not even be that they find them personally attractive, but they do notice when a woman looks and smells good.

I especially notice a very positive response from my man, when I make myself appear very womanly. Even though men want you the way they met you essentially, and they want you to keep your fitness a priority, they still appreciate your womanliness.
 I remember asking Michael if I should go for a fitness competition and I remember him telling me what I would need to do in order to prepare (he should know, he's a trainer and used to compete) and mentioned that he didn't think he'd love that, but he would be proud of me.
Women notice the same in men. I notice that I get more comments in either direction from other women, and this makes me smile, frown and also scratch my brow, at the same time. You see, women can be hypercritical, though I've more often found women to love my style more often than I would have expected. I've had several women decide to try my style out, and they love it.(I didn't even know I had a style. See? Now I have to go shopping, as I am trendsetting, apparently.)  It is a very interesting study indeed.

Okay so when I think of going out, I notice all the elements necessary in providing a solid base for my excursion into a womanly look. Say I'm planning for an event. I have to choose a dress, then shoes, then make sure to match any adornments, be they jewelry, jackets or hair clips. If I am missing any of these elements then I have to make time to buy them before the event.  Then I have to get a mani/pedi and do my hair and makeup. Granted, unless you are superwoman, there is a very good chance that not all of this can happen in one day. Then you have to make sure your gas tank is full and all the kids are fed. Hopefully you've already planned dinner and the tank was filled at least a day before the event. Then you remember that you haven't waxed in a few days and that you have to make sure you shave because you're wearing something that reveals your legs.

I am dizzy just thinking about these things. Prioritization and planning is huge when it comes to being a woman. I dream about the days when I used to roll out of bed, unravel my braids and throw on some jeans and sneakers. Okay so I still do this from time to time. The difference is, I don't leave home anymore without my makeup and a nice spray of perfume.

Breaking patterns.

So… Here I am, at the crux of the new school year. I consider it a crossroads because I am not ready for school yet. I think it is rather cruel to start my school flow Midsummer like that. Oh well. Somebody thought this would be a better plan, and so they did it… It does break up spring fever a little bit better, I suppose…

So anyway like I said, here we are again. And in the same way we left it… Or did we? I mean honestly, nothing is ever really the same if you think about it. No two similar things can really be the same twice. No matter how close you try to get something to being the same, the quality may be familiar, But only to some degree, within minutes, inches, or seconds… And maybe it's fine just as it is.

Well I am the archetypal destroyer. I like to break things down and crush them, then rebuild. It's not always the best way to do things. I mean for example, if you've built a 4 foot high legal structure, and you get one block wrong, it doesn't make logical sense to knock the entire structure down. I mean really, does it truly makes sense to completely destroy something that has taken hours days and weeks to build? The answer is no. It doesn't really make sense, not to the logical thinking mind…

… But to the mind that thinks differently, the mind that doesn't see things the way the rest of the world sees it, and actually see that breaking down something that has a tiny fissure in its structure, can make for some wonderful rebuilding, and the potential to reestablish a much stronger foundation.

Now I wouldn't recommend it as a regular course of action along the way to fixing things, but sometimes it must be done. The logical thinking mind must understand when the best time is to do such a thing, and not to do it as some form of reaction to external pressures, or an emotional outburst of sorts. Emotional reactions are always the wrong reason to do things. Well, there may be some exceptions, such as in the case of when it could possibly save your life.

A relationship should never be a game of survival. If it is, two people are truly not listening to one another's needs. The problem with even that statement, is that there is no should in a relationship either. We all have an ideal paradigm in our minds of how the ideal relationship should go, and we proceed to try to find that person who specifically fits into that paradigm. But this is the part where logic could possibly begin but usually ends, due to some extraordinary flaw in that person's thinking. The first flaw, is that there is no "should" in relationships…

We also come to expect a certain set of responses from our relationships around us, whether they are romantic or platonic. What would happen to our relationships, if we were to stop expecting people to respond in specific ways and patterns? What type of joys and gifts would our  relationships bring forth then?

Thusly is the same in the rest of our lives. For example, my current goal is to begin rising at 5am, getting to my work out by 5:30a, and making it to school at a moment early enough to plan my classes and still be able to leave just after the bell rings. It would give me time after school to see clients and do the second half of my training program, have dinner with my family, and get to bed at a reasonable hour early enough to be able to share time with the people I love, instead of staying up into the wee hours of the night. I know, it is a selfish and yet unselfish act, if you know my family.

Metaphysical Bat reflection.

From Transmogrify to transmutation, 
I walked the thin line between day
 and night , crossing over into world

When someone you love thinks wrongly of you...

I wrote this heading a few months ago in search of the answer to this thought, and I find it interesting that I never wrote anything for it. I don't think I could properly conceive of the full expression of the thought.

Now I can.

The best response I have found is, continue to be the same loving entity that you have always been, and that person you love will eventually be able to see you for who you are. They will rise to the occasion of loving you and seeing more of themselves in that highest Light, which will lead them to see you more clearly. As they heal, their image of you will also heal. They will also stop being afraid of their own glorious being.

As for those who don't see you, sometimes our soulmates need to grow up. Maybe this means we wait for them. Maybe this means we move on. The truth is that once you focus and reflect on your life and truly make it about you, then any and all other sensations of traumatic noise is averted. You return to your higher self and purpose. You finally begin to see what your life and higher purpose is all about. Nothing else at that point matters.

The truth is that I think we say too much to the wrong people, or we say things that a person with a certain level of experience are going to get. Those who don't, will twist and turn it in the wrong direction, thereby throwing the original message off its tracks. So when a person you love doesn't have the right perspective on you, and you tell someone this, you are not giving the lesson time to gestate. You may be complaining about a situation that merely needs time, in order to work itself out. Your way of dealing with someone may ultimately be different than the way others view it. Everyone is going through their own lens and frame of reference. This makes your variety of friends respond differently to your situation....

I've learned that I can only share my thoughts with a special few persons, and that's okay. I continue to rise to my heights and hope that others can benefit from my growth and change of perspective over the course of my life. Namaste.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Ode to a Dad

Something struck me on my walk tonight, inspiring me to sit underneath a lamppost across from an elementary school closed for the summer. this was amidst the sound of quietly chirping crickets and my own beating heart. I decided to reflect on my dad, which caused me to pause my walk, and make all other biomechanical processes slow for a moment to take it all in.

I realize I and others focus plenty on our painful journey through life with our painful parental woes. We suffer years through from our issues of abandonment and emotional abuse, or varying degrees of damage others of us have gone through. Everything we do operates from whatever premise our parents created for us; and how some of us pray that we didn't do something horrible to our own, as a result of what we had gone through.

Much less often do we focus on what our parents may have suffered through, what their folks brought to their table, or what generational woes affected the whole lot. When healing gets to the level of decades upon generations, we begin to see the web of creation and process we are all undergoing, and an even fuller picture of our healing.

I get that on an even larger level after today. For some reason the clouds parted, and a rather obnoxiously loud voice shouted, "forgive your father!" Now granted, this caught me a bit off guard, having already "healed" from my father's past actions, but made me realize why people continue to use their wounds as a badge of honor, protecting them from ever having to actually let these ideas go. And if the affected person gets into a broken relationship, those wounds and badges come shining through to stop that person from acting on their grief.

Well I have to admit that I am one such person in a relationship with someone who reminds me of my father in many ways. Is this one way I am healing my connection with my dad, by getting to know him through this man? Does this mean the relationship is doomed, or fortified for better, stronger times? These questions come and go as I wander almost aimlessly through my evening, thinking thoughts as random as "how will my soup taste?" (I made a soup with leftover, unused and on the edge veggies)...but I digress.

So here's the ode part: I met my dad on the verge of my anger and frustration because he was always working late. I wanted him to rock me to sleep every night. Then I wanted twinkles and bologna sandwiches from his lunch box. That was a special treat. When his schedule changed again, I missed him in a whole new way because he was tired from the change in schedule. Then when mom and dad were having problems, empty promises became the theme. At one point I thought dad was trying to get me a new mom. I loved him still through it all...but finally found out why I had been placed last, essentially.

It wasn't until later that I realized all my relationships were based around the image of this man. My dad having healing many parts of his existence, proved to me that a man could change.

I never knew much about grandpa. Just found out that he stopped going to school in 3rd grade to help his father work. Dad stopped in 8th grade. It's no surprise I became a teacher. Based on the counseling esthetic that both mom and dad have, I am also a health/fitness/wellness coach, and healer. Some things never change...

So now I know upon another layer unraveling, who I am and why I am, thanks to my father. As the story progresses, while it is still an unfolding story, I hope to know the whole of it, and have the courage to learn of it, before my father leaves this earth. Namaste.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Journeying into Love

The Spirit makes Love to nature
I stand in the awe of its flow
I suddenly cry with the power of a thousand breaths,
And away it goes 

Inspiring wind just struck
And I'm captivated by its romance
It cradles and embraces my being
As I step into the first blossomings
Of a summer coming on 

Nature wants to get to know me
Animals draw close 
I am deeper into a natural way 
Of being with myself

Find the river, watch it flow
Fiind the tree, watch it grow
Find a fallen leaf, no one may know
But find yourself
And let that show

Love is made in all things
All things are made in Love 
See things in Love
See Love in yourself

Go hug a tree
Find yourself
Catch the breeze
Find yourself
Love yourself
Find yourself

Nature is Love
You are Love
All things are Love
Has it been said enough?

Nature is Self 
Self is Love
Fall in Love

Fall in 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Prayer of Love, Light and Peace

Love before me
Love behind me
Love at my left
Love at my right
Love above me
Love below me
Love onto me
Love in my surroundings
Love to all
Love to the Universe
Peace before me
Peace behind me
Peace at my left
Peace at my right
Peace above me
Peace below me
Peace onto me
Peace in my surroundings
Peace to all
Peace to the Universe
Light before me
Light behind me
Light at my left
Light at my right
Light above me
Light below me
Light onto me
Light in my surroundings
Light to all
Light to the Universe


Ode To Risky...A Remembrance.

Ahh, Risky. You were the surprise we never saw coming.

I remember it as a cold January morning in 2002. Philip came running to awaken me. I was groggy as he excitedly exclaimed, "hurry! You've got to see this! You won't believe it!" I dragged myself outside in the crisp air to see two puppies nestled into mama Terra's belly. I dropped my mouth open in total disbelief of what I saw. "Are you kidding me? When did Terra get pregnant?? And who exactly is the father?" We only had speculations on which dog it could have been but wasn't sure. But more importantly, we had been dragging her on walks and runs, and just thought she had gained a little weight from the extra food, but had no idea that she was bearing two pups. That hit us completely sideways.

Well of course, Philip's first reaction was to say that we couldn't afford three dogs, so we tried finding homes for the fluffy furries. However, one stayed...and Kai named that one Risky, forever to be his pup.

Well time passed and the dog grew to be smarter than his mama. Lucky thing too, because we needed a guard dog. Risky grew to be the beautiful labrador-looking specimen that I had wanted ( I actually wanted a chocolate lab, but he was close enough). We ran on a number of trails, but I spent more time with Terra, while Philip ended up running Terra more often, though we took them both out a number of times. What good times...I feel bad that Risky's hip health began to decline, but it never seemed to cut into his happiness. What a happy and smiley dog. He will be missed.

The initiation of ownership.

It begins.

I know I could say a lot of things here as I enter into a new realm of consciousness, which is commensurate with deeply knowing ones identity within oneself, both personally, and in the world. If there is any desire to allow the ritual of entrepreneurship to enter at all, then there must be a true willingness to perform at a level whose tree bears fruit.

As I plan and prepare, it all seems so doable and as if I'm a lot farther along when suddenly...I get an email from someone on my health coaching site, asking for someone to send them their free book.

My Integrative Nutrition program generated an automatic email response to alert me of website traffic, and how to round up leads that I collect on my site. It was incredibly fascinating to hear the tapes at that point that ran in my head, the backdrop tune playing as I sang the words...where is my finished client binder? What will I give these clients to keep them? How do I prepare and utilize these materials while organizing and planning their sessions? When will I have time to plan versus orchestrate the session? How do I close a package deal that offers the client the six month program pack?

In a word, a current of FEAR ran through me. I think for a moment that I was truly scared to give anything at all, and this was probably single-handedly, the piece that was keeping me from having a stable of clients flowing thru my doors.

Also, when we first embark on an adventure, neither do we know where it will take us, nor do we always trust the signs and outcomes we do achieve. For example, I had a busy client schedule for the last two weeks and I found myself to be overwhelmed by the influx of new energies along with what still needed revisioning, and I ended up using the model to design pages and paperwork that had not even been invented...I keep saying I would find a sort of balance but was forced back into pre-production, because too much had been left undone.

And so if I want my initiation and learning phase to be complete in order to allow a pathway of clients to enter, I need to accept my fear as something that will exist in even the most comfortable moments, if I wish to achieve success with a new paradigm.

A Letter to my Culminating Son.

Dear Kai,

I hope this letter finds you in as wonderful, exhilarated and ecstatic mood as I am in. I cannot believe how far you've come, and it is all just hitting me now in this shower of Love and pride, mixed with a tinge of sadness and longing for a time I'll never get back.

You were the most beautiful baby to me, so calm and easy going. I didn't think anyone really had it this easy with a child, but here you were, sitting with me while I cooked and drank tea, listening to Mozart. Who knew you'd grow up so well and youthful, enjoying each moment and not trying to grow up faster than your age. You are still like that. You aren't into fast cars, girls or violent video games. You aren't trying to date or be in fashion. You care about important things like spirituality and animals and drawing. You're okay going to a therapist for healthy mental balance. You don't wait for a problem to manifest, you think about it ahead of time. You found a passion for multimedia design and Muy Thai, and you have a best friend you've had since preschool, which I am more than amazed and pleased with. If anything, your father and I gave you the calmest life we knew how, and I hope you feel you've benefited from it too.

Here it is, the moment we've all waited for: high school. There were moments when I doubted myself as a parent, especially being a teacher, feeling that I hadn't done all that I could do to be the best for you, and to help you academically. I felt I've always been too busy with my own life, trying to find a way to make ends meet, selfishly ending a relationship because I was worried about me and what you would grow up dealing with, instead of thinking that maybe you would have loved the chance to at least live through hearing your parents argue. Maybe the money was not as important as spending more time with you. I knew those things. But everytime I asked you if I was doing enough as a mom, you lovingly hugged me and said that you were perfectly happy, no matter whether that was the truth or not.

Your entire early years were spent with me as a teacher in training with my credentialing program. I toiled to be able to afford some kind of life for us, and I got a masters for it. I hope I've made you proud with my accomplishments. I hope it inspires you to one day pursue the highest goal possible. I wished that I could have gotten my schooling done before you were born but I hope that you can forgive me for spending so much time on this. Again, I hope I've made you proud.

So that time has come and gone. I no longer have that chance to return to that time and replay or fix any mistakes. All I have is the opportunity to be a more amazing mother who has learned from her mistakes and her own need to improve herself, while being a parent.

As high school begins, I am looking forward to experiencing all the grandest experiences with you. I am hopeful that you become my workout partner in the gym and my X2 buddy in Six Flags. I hope to walk you into your first job and visit your first college campus with you. I plan to hand you your first keys to your first car and help you into your first dorm room. I hope to see you finish a college with high honors and become the artist, multimedia designer and entrepreneur/spiritual leader you have always been meant to become. I support all that you choose to become in life...  I hope to hold your firstborn in my arms and bless the child for being born as I embrace your wife. I intend to see every success with you, and be a greater mom than what I was able to accomplish in this first half of your life, though you seem to have turned out exceedingly well.

Kai Gabriel Dunn, my son and best friend, I love you and I am so so proud as a parent and as an individual who sees you in your highest Light, and I don't think I can be more grateful to have you as a son, and to be able to call you my own.

Much, much Love,
Your Mother

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Relationship of Initiation

It took courage and heart to be in a toxic relationship, as much as it did to be in one that espoused high spiritual truths. The balancing of energies that must take place regardless of the type of relationship we find ourselves in, is part of the expansion of consciousness one goes through in order to find self worth.

In my spiritual relationship, I found that it took an incredible amount of time, energy, patience and discipline to render. That was the downside. In addition to this, if ever there were a psychic imbalance or disconnection, it would take some doused discipline to heal and clear it. The plus side is that I always had someone available to ground me and hold space for me when I did clearing work for others. The one thing I needed to know about myself is whether or not I had learned the lessons with him and the work that I needed to learn. This could only be done alone.

In the toxic relationship, I was berated, attacked and treated as a punching bag. I came to the realization that, after being called names for yet the umpteenth time, that, not only did I not consider myself a victim, but that I had built up a better sense of self esteem than what I was showing the world.

The toxicity cleared only after a series of tests and trials. I knew I couldn't go to the next level if I never responded to the call for expansion. My initiation into my higher self was only catapulted by having some intense occurrences appear. This did not only occur in my personal life, but in workplace situations as well.

People say that one should just leave the toxic situation and to not expect the person or situation would change. Well so far, I've never seen a situation in my life improve by giving up.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Magic and Miracle of Manifestation.

Rosaries and Malas are ONE.

The power of manifestation can happen with a simple prayer, meditation or intention. How focused one is, or in history, how focused a group has been, on a particular prayer or mantra has given it its power. To make something potent and rich with meaning is a tool that has been used throughout the course of humankind. Bringing this simple practice into focus is the one thing we can do to enrich our life.

Have we seen the power of an idea coming into fruition? A fervent prayer being answered? A meditation opening doors we didn't know would open? Only to knock, is to have someone answer.

I remember first truly recognizing the power of manifestation rocking my life when I became knee deep in the world of the novena. I remember struggling with money. The thought is so clear as yesterday. I needed work and fast, so I decided to do a novena. A novena is 9 rosaries either said on the hour or every day at the same hour daily, and devoted to a particular saint that governs the particular area of concern that needs addressing.

So I decide to do a 9 hour novena to St. Jude, who governs the impossible. I didn't think it possible to get exactly what I desired in such short order, but I decided to try it anyway, as I was desperate.

At the ninth hour of fervent prayer, I get a phone call to be paid for some backstage work at the theatre I sometimes worked for when there were gigs available. It wasn't a regular stream of income until the summer, and we were in the middle of November! So I learned the power of intense intention and meditation on that goal.
The thing I noticed was that my mind was deeply involved during that entire time on what my needs were. Even my partner at the time was very surprised (and wanted to rule it off on coincidence, but I didn't let him).
Most recently (yesterday), I did a series of mantras that served to expand several areas of my life, in particular, enhancement of my relationship. Today, I saw a huge improvement in how Michael spoke to me and related to each of our needs as a couple. I was not only astonished, but impressed at how quickly mantra works in my life. In addition to this, I keep myself energetically aligned with earth grid. This alone helps to speed up the process of manifestation. If Melchiezedek could see me now.

Nowadays I'm a yogini and mala girl, so I practice doing frequent mantra work to help align me with the goal of my needs and desires. It is always something of great purpose that helps not only me, but others as well, for their Best and Highest Good. If it isn't for everything, then we've missed the point of this new age of collective consciousness.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Ah, the four walls of Jesus' domain for the believers are upon me.

 The pastor comes in after a rousing song of sweet praise for the Lord. Pastor walks over, wiping his brow, a look of consternation on his face after a truly beautiful scripture-based lesson on Love was taught. He talked about marriage and divorce, and how the nature of Love is only real if demonstrated by acts that show that person's Love, whether they want to or not. Well, I have to say, he inspired my emotions and made me feel something I hadn't originally felt for my mate. Jubilant yelling interspersed with prayerful listening brought a vibrant ebb and flow to the congregation. Pastor Terry was masterful at getting the group to exalt with vigor and obeisance. Throughout the entire "show," I stolidly glanced around the room, probably feeling just a bit out of place, for I was not raised with Juba dancing, but instead, silent, still reflection. I must've appeared as a monk, with my posture.

After that moment passed, he came down off the pulpit from his yelling, singing and begging us to help him with praise and clapping. "I can't get any help in here!" He'd humorously exclaim. His voice became hushed, and he approached us, looking at us each in the eyes. He called us to believe, and if we wanted to invite Jesus into our life and make a testimony, the time was just then.

Complete silence.

He then asked which of us were going to Heaven, and that we could not believe in anything else but Jesus to get there. After looking around the room, it had appeared that everyone raised their hand, including me, the multi-denominational heathen who didn't have a church home, who wasn't Baptist, who wasn't even Catholic anymore by definition of the church, who was a nonbeliever under the authority of the Baptist church, who was (probably appearing to be) an other god-worshiping, Shamanic journeying (freak?) who has a hard time being told exactly what to believe...how was I going to get to Heaven?

The road to Heaven is narrow, and the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. What is the road to having compassion for all people paved with?

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Unconscious Mind.

Unihipili, or the basic self, is discussed in the tradition of Huna, the Hawaiian science of Ho'omana, or making life force energy. I have been exploring my lower mind in the quest to understand labels and messages I am sending unconsciously, in my quest to communicate most often with the higher self. While the three selves are not separate, it is often beneficial to me, to look at the selves from the perspective of separate entities for the purpose of learning.

The mention of some aspect of ourselves being unconscious, is to not readily see and have access to this vibrational pattern. There is a measure of unawareness at the cellular level. We are merely repeating patterns at will based on the control the unconscious mind asserts. We will always revert to our "home training," in this case, unconscious patterns and primitive drives, that will affect our way of dealing with the world.

For example, I have an issue with time, and has been the case since I was old enough to say the word "time." While I feel it may be an inherited pattern, and I am very aware of its effects in my world, it sometimes does not pose enough impetus to inspire lasting change. Obstacles and limitations will obstruct my success. One obstacle that has limited me is my hardened attitude toward lateness and my emotional, passive aggressive reaction that has been constructed over a long stretch in time.

Memory is stored in the unconscious mind. Memory affects and shapes our attitudes, belief patterns and emotional responses that arise in the conscious mind. Remember that Our conscious minds make decisions on how we will handle these concepts daily. I have found that I can control my latent, unconscious emotional response to the situation by choosing what memories I'll allow myself to focus on. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Challenging your Reality

I have a fear pop into my head, and I cancel it by saying, "no."
I have a dream, vision or premonition about something, and I make a decision based upon what outcome I envision.
I ask for Divine guidance, then I see a picture of a penguin, or a pigeon flies by, or a black cat jumps on my car and just stares at me. (all true stories) I take these moments and I use them to guide my life in the directions I am to go into.
I hear a voice, an image, or have someone come to me and bring me a powerful message of some sort, and I use that to navigate my way thru a particular scenario. In fact, I had guidance that led me to write this post.

We all sometimes walk through worlds and, depending on whether or not we are aware, we are interacting in, and integrating our ability to discern subtle energy into physical form through our thoughts and actions. We are always transmitting a vibration or frequency, a resonance that someone would be able to connect to. Even when people are not familiar with why they are drawn to a person, we are a bank of energy, signals and radio emissions, and when we are looking for a refill, we find a highly vibrating person upon which to refill our stores. Alternatively, people come to us for the same thing. This is why sometimes, it appears at first, that we are having a good day, or not so good, but that we are simply exchanging energies at any given time in varying degrees of frequencies that we may or may not be aware of.

We also have cording energies at any given time, like the arms of an octopus, consistently coming at us for support and energy. Remember that we are like a tall glass of water. When someone is thirsty, and they have nothing to give, they will drink until they are quenched and unless you keep them from taking every drop, they will.
There are also these shelves of consciousness that we work on. We can pull from the higher consciousness (though we are not always conscious of whether we are there or not) and mostly our conscious middle shelf (our daytime executive function) and low mind (our sub-and unconscious, primitive drives) do most of the talking. I can explain these shelves more in a later post. Just know that from wherever you pull, you will have the most interesting and unique experiences emanating from that center. I'd say this function alone, is what can confuse a person when they hear you speak, and you sound different and intriguing to them from day to day.
We haven't even touched yet on the various degrees of realities one can fall or rise into. This all depends on how much you can free your mind from what limits and labels you.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Dancing with Victory

I have just attained a new ally: her name is victory. I went to a Sokka Gakkai meeting last night, and I am floating on air. I want to write so much. I have goals for this evening. But something told me to sit back down and write. Speak of this thing I have just experienced.

I am quite the multidimensional, multidenominational browser who actuallys enjoys a variety of faiths, but I never quite slide all the way into one, claiming it fully for my own. I pick and choose what I will partake in. Some would way I was not loyal to any group...but in a way, I am loyal to all, for I honor their tools and I use them, as well as pass them along to others who may richly benefit in this endeavor. So I find matching dialogue that patterns the conversation language of the group whose person I am efforting to assist.

I largely use Hindu mantra as a form of spiritual warriorship, in order to help people push energy, but I also use Christian prayer, Huna tools, Buddhist mantra and the Native American medicine wheel, in addition to Angel healing, to help guide my and our world. So in saying this, I had already been exposed to the Buddhist path, and knew of the Sokka Gakkai movement. But when I spoke to a friend about it, an avid practitioner of 24 years, I decided to have a look at it.

This practice filled me with so much spirit and love, I had space to help my relationship heal, and so last night I put energy on the pieces in our lives that had been filling our hearts with so much heaviness. We just needed help. This group of unknown soldiers until last night anyway, filled my heart with so much love, that we sat and basically chanted for each other. Wow. To give away your problems for the sake of the group, is what this group is about, because after all, we all are interconnected. This was hugely moving to my psyche and being, to sit among this beauty of humanity.

Nam myo ho renge kyo is the title of the Lotus Sutra. I will comment more on this in future postings. But for now...

Many prayers, chants, mantras, one goal: to see the "face of God"...or, to see ourselves as we truly are. Namaste.

Being Hood, to Buddhahood.

...There honestly isn't a difference.

Being "hood," is the state of being in one's home and familiar surroundings. It can also mean where one feels they belong, where they can be their own beautiful, ugly, basic, extravagant, glorious self, without judgment, competition, or expectations. A person who's being hood is claiming to be whatever they are, and also can somehow be proud of it, regardless of how bad it truly might be to their health, or that of another's. Being hood can also include a strong love and affiliation to your homies, your comrades, people who have your back and will always be there for you no matter what. If you are hood, you can be put to the test and thrive, passing the test with flying colors. Your character and behavioral patterns could take question with some, but your loyalty and faith in your homies is flawless like a diamond.

Now, I don't see Buddhahood too much differently. Firstly, to be in a state of Buddhahood is to have experienced seeing oneself in the highest, happiest, most detached, simplest form of existence possible, the path of least resistance. This is only one way that I take Buddhahood. It also means placing yourself aside, so that you can help others attain a state of Enlightenment, whatever that means for each individual personally. You have placed faith and loyalty in the path of the Boddhissattva. This includes a deep sense of compassion for humanity, but also for your imperfect self. This state is also about uncovering your passionate, detached presence in your life and in that of others. You are always making an intense effort to be as present as possible, not allowing for many distractions. Buddhahood helps you to see yourself as you truly are, come what may, all your flaws and imperfections all perfect and shining once again, bright as a diamond.

Show me how the two are different, and I'll show you more ways in which they are in fact the same. Namaste.